Yesterday was the worst so far … until today, which has been worse still.  What do they say, it’s always darkest before the dawn?  Hope it comes soon. 

People often ask me what chemo is like.  I end up expaining the various side effects, but I often get lost in the details of each side effect instead of explaining it properly.

Well, to understand it most simply, chemo robs you of yourself.  It turns you into someone else.  A crippled, stupid, inactive, reclusive, insecure shadow of all the awesome you used to be.   And throughout each day, when you are reminded of your former self, it breaks your heart each time.  And you hope that there will be a day when you will be “yourself” again.

I’d like to share a song by fellow Canadian Alanis Morrisette that expresses these insecurities and doubts  (lyrics below video)

 


that i would be good EVEN IF I DID NOTHING
that i would be good EVEN IF I GOT THE THUMBS DOWN
that i would be good IF I GOT AND STAYED SICK
that i would be good even if i gained ten pounds

that i would be fine even if i went bankrupt
that i would be good IF I LOST MY HAIR AND MY YOUTH
that i would be great if i was no longer queen
that i would be grand IF I WAS NOT ALL KNOWING

that i would be loved EVEN WHEN I’M NOT MYSELF
that i would be good EVEN WHEN I’M OVERWHELMED
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy

that i would be good EVEN IF I LOST SANITY
that i would be good whether with or without you